i don't really know whats getting on to me these days.. i just really don't. i can't explain how i feel. writing about these feeling are totally different than feeling and enduring it.
am I changed?
i know that people changed as time moves on.. its nature.
Is it nature too.. disliking the changes that i see in front of me.
years ago. i see the things that really makes me happy.
when i was small, even though things aren't like today, and my family are not this affordable.
i'm grateful and happy as I was. We spent our luxuries times together. Its like everyday was a family day to me.
I was happy till then, I had to move on to a boarding school. Before, I used to chat around with friends talking about just everything. LIFE.
we talked on the phone almost everyday and sometimes I exceeded my bills on the phone. I remembered how we once had called upon 1 or 2 hours non-stopped. Its really was crazy thing to do.
I remembered how we used to study together, giggle almost about anything, we were such somebody in the school, we act and perform sketch, we excel together. and i just hate to break apart when the news about the boarding school reached to their knowledge.
only Allah knows, how I felt leaving those I love behind.
Its hard to cry in front of those you are not use to.
Its hard to express your feelings when you really hate their acts towards you.
Its really hard to endure the annoyance of their existence. they try to break the shells between both of you, but did not seems to work much.
Its hard, Its really hard.
when your heart has already been placed with the one you loves. and suddenly there are strangers who want to come and be a part of you.
Its really hard to say that you already have your friends, who would stick on you know matter what. Its just that they are not meant to be here momentarily.
I manage to endure it almost 1 year.
But time heals. i do not how to put it. The terms HEALS do not match. Time had open my hearts to give places to all the strangers I met.
Many of them had thought the things that i could never learn anywhere else.
They were with me the whole time I was hurt deeply, and the times when I was feeling on top of the world.
Time sucks. It heals me on my relationship with new friends. with new bestfriends.
but times limits my relation with my family and my hometown-friends.
WHEN the time has come for me to turn back to where I belong. I could not regain any use being with my LOVES.
I really feels strange talking a lot. sometimes I held it in my heart. Maybe, i used to hold it in my heart in such a long term. it got stuck. It cannot be properly uttered.
Whenever my mouth starts to talk loud and fast.. it always had been the story of the strangers who wins my heart in the schools. The teachers, the students, the prefects, the naqibahs.
I know they are bored to hear those silly stories. But i would never be bored. Its my memory. My sweet and sour memory. The heros and heroins may have changed. The chapter may sounds different. But the place I had it securely put is the same . In my HEART. How on earth would I have any other memories than these. How will I be able to talk on something else other than schools when my time had been used 24/7 the whole time with my friends and teachers? What do they aspect? I would talk about them?
I was in dilemma. I could not chose where to start. The strangers. They may have place far away in my sight. different states. but they always have the same attitude and the same loves to me. It may have been awhile since we are laughing and talking together in school. But it felt just like yesterday knowing them. and accepting them in my life.
This really shows how times flies really fast that I could not realize how I had changed.
TODAY; no more calling I received. nor I made. We can only utters the word MISS but never express it in our acts. We really hardly met. even the distance was just meters away.
Fate never struck on our site. I sometimes lost words to say things. I do not know what stories should I be telling. I do not what chapter in my life should I be bring as the topic.
Things really do have changed.
I believe deeply in my heart. The love is always there. It just had been held too long that it got rust and hardly shines.
They may have thinks that I remembered the old chapters and held it as a based-on. They may have thinks that I like the same person I used to. They may have thinks that I was the same Korean-addict girl. Oh just if they could see how I matured. How I had changed for betters. I'm not that one I used to be. I left everything behind. Cause they did not help me to be any better. I'm a new, a whole lot new person from before. Take a look, and you'll know it for sure.
JUST wait guys I polished every memory we had. I will.
Do not leave me. do not throw me away in your life. I mean it for real . I hope the word friends and family is still there for me.